February 26, 2008 § 1 Comment

OPRAH


Oprah stands in front of a mirror. Her face is fresh and done up, looking like a just-waxed plastic mask. Her cheeks are tear-stained, the saline running down to reveal old, wrinkled skin.

Slap.

You are Oprah, god-damnit. Don’t you know what that means?

Slap.

You are Oprah! You don’t mess around.

Slap.

Get out of this funk, girl! You’re a queen, you’re a god.

Oprah raises her hand to slap her face once more, and then pauses.

Okay. That is fine. I’m relaxed.

She snaps and two attendants scurry over with make-up cases to repair the work she did on her face.

You didn’t lose any time. You just needed to calm down. The show will be better than ever, I predict. This episode of Oprah, my show, is going to be better than the rest. This episode of Oprah is going to better than anything else.

She rustles through some papers.

Who do we have on?

No one responds.

WHO. DO WE. HAVE ON?!

An adjutant trips in from somewhere behind her, in the dark. He is carrying two sheets of paper which he places on her lap. He whispers into her ear.

Good. Good, she is good. This show will be good. This episode of Oprah is going to be great.

The attendants finish with the makeup and step back after dusting her off. A little boy in a carefully knotted tie walks in from stage left and removes the make-up drape wrapped around her neck. Oprah pats him on the head.

Good boy.

Oprah steps away from the chair and walks to the very back of the room. She claps her hands.

Mirrors!

The walls slide away and the room is covered with reflective surfaces. Oprah takes a moment to compose herself. She coughs. She stretches her arms. Finally she looks forward, intense. The silence in the room is palpable. No one breathes. No one speaks.

Oprah raises her arms and begins shaking them wildly. She runs down to the front of the room, whooping, her face contorting in a thousand happy directions.

I. am. OPE-ER-AHHHH!!!!

She stops at the bottom of the room. She adopts a casual attitude. She turns to her nearest attendant.

How was that, was that good? You think that was good?

There is a muffled reply.

I don’t know, I feel pretty good about it. Yeah, I think that went okay. What do you think, do you think we should try it with cameras? Let’s get the cameras out. Cameras! Cam-er-ahhs!!!

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